Dear broken girl,
I know it’s easy to “fake it til' you make it". But! That shit doesn’t hide well with me. I see through the fake smiles and laughs. I’ve seen you do it majority of your life. I guess, it happened and continues to happen so often that, it has become your invisible shield.
Easier to crack a joke (at your expense) and laugh it off loudly ---you're surrounded by family and friends, and there is always that one person in the fucking group🙄! There’s no way out. It’s easier to hide your hurt feelings and embarrassment.
You would think you’d be a pro by now, right? The joke is usually always you. Nothing you do is ever good enough. But the fake smiles and laughs never fail you. I see you. I feel what you feel. You can’t hide it from me.
I’ve been witness to it all. The “jokes”, the piss-takes, the “assumptions”, the judgments… And, I know for a fact that, as soon as you’re alone or away from prying eyes —all of that fake shit washes off like a full face of makeup, but without the satisfaction. Instead, revealing the truth. A smile that wasn’t really a smile, tears that could finally, freely fall and a dozen ugly words spoken at your expense that others found humour in...stuck and over-played.
And so your cycle continues...the internal suffering caused from the demon known as humiliation —creeps and seeps through your, already chaotic filled mind…and it taunts you. And the faint but extremely loud echoing of those words…something in you absorbs them, and since it’s been so long, this way of dealing with them has become somewhat normal.
You feel weak, but you’re actually not.
You feel attacked, and you always wonder why it’s you and never anyone else at the table.
You feel humiliated.
You feel dumb? Bitch! You can speak perfectly fine!
You feel like you’ll never escape.
You feel alone... **news flash sis**, I’m here, with you, always!
And all you know how to do is, cry. Ugly cry, silent cry, sniffing cry… CRY! You know you’re allowed too, right? Let it out, it always helps when you do! I’ve seen this way too many times, I know your ways! And, I know you’re strong, YOU KNOW you’re strong! But sometimes, you don’t wana be...and that’s okay!!
FEELING BROKEN OR VULNERABLE IS OKAY!!!
BUT, I just want to remind YOU that...
This world can be toxic as fuck and some of the humans who reside here can be cunts...& not the good kind either. BUT, you soldier on, life is a day by day thing ---slay it, bitch! It’s not easy and it sure as hell isn’t always pretty, but you got this!
And, even through the ugliness, you’re blood still runs through your veins, you’re still breathing, you’re not 100% healthy BUT, you’re 50 times healthier and… you’re still here and I love that for you! Hold onto all things positive and everything that makes you happy.
You’re not forever broken. One day you’ll find your voice. The one, you’ve always had! You’ve done it before and you’ll do it again!
And I know for a fact that, once you stand… you’ll stand firm. You’ll take a deep breath in…and as you let it out, you’re also refusing to allow any bullshit to creep the fuck back in.
You’ll own it.
You always have.
You just forget sometimes, it’s okay though! I’ll always be here to remind you of everything good in your life.
Thinking of you always,
Photo Credit: taekwondo_kate
Dear January, Goodbye… AND, Hello! February,
January – You crept up on me FAST! And, at first, I didn’t think I was ready. I was still running with unorganised chaos. Fuck. Who am I kidding, I still am 😕 and I’m still procrastinating yet trying to be consistent, but these two things don’t play well together.
January has been about trying to be consistent. Umm... yeah... I mean, I’m one week late with this post BUT I was consistent for the other previous posts! This is proof that I can actually do it.
I have also learned that I’m kinda shit with my time management. I can map out the perfect schedule or to – do list for the day/week/month and I promise you, not all of my troops make it, there’s always a couple casualties and completely fallen soldier 😅😐!
Trust me! It drives me insane.
2019 me would have thrown a silent hissy fit and been so hard on ones self. I probably would have avoided or quit!
2020 me is still here, bitch! Even though I’m one week late with this post, I’m – still – fucking – here! I won’t lie though; it’s annoying the shit out’ve me that I’ve fallen behind on keeping up with updates on the new sections on my site. I’m working on improving this! I’m blaming it on the heat😅😐 honestly! It’s fucking with me this year, I’m trying to fight through but she’s been hitting late 20’s, early 30'sand my tetraplegic side of things is not a fan! Nope, not a supporter over here🖕🏻!
The grass is crisp and golden – dead looking everywhere. The air outside is thick and ugly – you can feel her thickness, her stinging burn. She’s showing no mercy this year, she’s not playing around, bitch!
BRING ON WINTER!!!
Along with the heat, tragedy still managed to strike, both close to home and worldwide. And with everything going on in the world, I’ve caught myself thinking about and questioning whether or not the predictions that come from the Bible are true - Don’t come for me God or Bible experts! I’m calling you out as well; - “anti God or Bible experts"😅, I haven’t Googled any facts to back my statement yet😅, it’s just been my “what is life" thoughts as of late.
I'm sad for our little world though. We've all fucked it and I’m afraid to say it but she’s coming for us, it’s almost like a world purge! ...but, I’m trying not to be a doomsday’er – it really does my fear/paranoia for death, no favours whatsoever 😅
My radar is also activated for calling out or noticing “fair – weather friends” now, I’m trying not to be so naive or a “let it slide" person this round. Avoidance has not been running my life at the moment, it’s nice. Weird. But, nice. Motivation and determination are definitely creeping in a lot easier too.
My self-loathing is still a holmie, and I know, not a good holmie, I’m still trying to unfriend it. I wish it was as simple as clicking on a Block User button...
All in all January, you came fast and left fast (kinda like a Male... 😅🤭sorry dry-humour me couldn’t help it). But, January, you weren’t done without lessons, without trials, without tears! – it wasn’t a perfect one & that’s okay! You were still slayed by creativity, a lot more motivation & determination, support, love, laughter and other little secret weapons!
So, thank you January! See you again in 2021!
Now, as for you February, HELLO! 🙃
As I sit here writing to you, I’m wondering about all the things you have in store for us this month!?
I haven’t planned anything out on paper, yet.
However, a few things that already come with the month of Feb. are:
· The most obvious one, Valentines Day.
· If you’re from/in New Zealand, today marks Waitangi Day. It’s the day that commemorates the signing on the 6th of February 1840 of the treaty of Waitangi. Ceremonies take place at Waitangi (Northland) & elsewhere to commemorate the signing of the treaty, which is regarded as New Zealand’s founding document.
· Summer will find itself coming to the end of it’s season this month in New Zealand.
· This year for the month of Feb. it has an extra day due to the leap year.
It’s another month to plan for & knock each (or as many as possible) of them off the to – do list! January was a bit messy! I’ll be taking previous plans and bringing them into the new month with me, and I’m okay with that. It doesn’t mean I failed doing them in Jan. in actual fact, I need to bring them with.
I know where I’m lacking and trust me – I’m definitely acknowledging them all. Working on self-improvement one day at a time. This is gona sound like an excuse, BUT! Nearing the end of Jan, coming into Feb. the heat here in New Zealand is fucking SO CRAZY hot! & the tetraplegic me HATES summer! It honestly killed me and turned me into a lethargic sick (either shits & spews or vertigo) tetra – this, I wasn’t okay with 🖕😅🥴🙄
It’s okay, it’s okay! It’s almost over😌 and then I’ll probably find something else to bitch about🤭 but for now, I’m going to keep on keeping on and enjoy the moments.
P.S - Happy Leap Year February, bitches!
Just a casual photo of what my evening looks like from our deck. Isn’t it beautiful !? How lucky are we to live in such a colourful world!
Photo Credit: taekwondo_kate