Dear broken girl,
I know it’s easy to “fake it til' you make it". But! That shit doesn’t hide well with me. I see through the fake smiles and laughs. I’ve seen you do it majority of your life. I guess, it happened and continues to happen so often that, it has become your invisible shield.
Easier to crack a joke (at your expense) and laugh it off loudly ---you're surrounded by family and friends, and there is always that one person in the fucking group🙄! There’s no way out. It’s easier to hide your hurt feelings and embarrassment.
You would think you’d be a pro by now, right? The joke is usually always you. Nothing you do is ever good enough. But the fake smiles and laughs never fail you. I see you. I feel what you feel. You can’t hide it from me.
I’ve been witness to it all. The “jokes”, the piss-takes, the “assumptions”, the judgments… And, I know for a fact that, as soon as you’re alone or away from prying eyes —all of that fake shit washes off like a full face of makeup, but without the satisfaction. Instead, revealing the truth. A smile that wasn’t really a smile, tears that could finally, freely fall and a dozen ugly words spoken at your expense that others found humour in...stuck and over-played.
And so your cycle continues...the internal suffering caused from the demon known as humiliation —creeps and seeps through your, already chaotic filled mind…and it taunts you. And the faint but extremely loud echoing of those words…something in you absorbs them, and since it’s been so long, this way of dealing with them has become somewhat normal.
You feel weak, but you’re actually not.
You feel attacked, and you always wonder why it’s you and never anyone else at the table.
You feel humiliated.
You feel dumb? Bitch! You can speak perfectly fine!
You feel like you’ll never escape.
You feel alone... **news flash sis**, I’m here, with you, always!
And all you know how to do is, cry. Ugly cry, silent cry, sniffing cry… CRY! You know you’re allowed too, right? Let it out, it always helps when you do! I’ve seen this way too many times, I know your ways! And, I know you’re strong, YOU KNOW you’re strong! But sometimes, you don’t wana be...and that’s okay!!
FEELING BROKEN OR VULNERABLE IS OKAY!!!
BUT, I just want to remind YOU that...
This world can be toxic as fuck and some of the humans who reside here can be cunts...& not the good kind either. BUT, you soldier on, life is a day by day thing ---slay it, bitch! It’s not easy and it sure as hell isn’t always pretty, but you got this!
And, even through the ugliness, you’re blood still runs through your veins, you’re still breathing, you’re not 100% healthy BUT, you’re 50 times healthier and… you’re still here and I love that for you! Hold onto all things positive and everything that makes you happy.
You’re not forever broken. One day you’ll find your voice. The one, you’ve always had! You’ve done it before and you’ll do it again!
And I know for a fact that, once you stand… you’ll stand firm. You’ll take a deep breath in…and as you let it out, you’re also refusing to allow any bullshit to creep the fuck back in.
You’ll own it.
You always have.
You just forget sometimes, it’s okay though! I’ll always be here to remind you of everything good in your life.
Thinking of you always,
Photo Credit: taekwondo_kate