Dear January, Goodbye… AND, Hello! February,
January – You crept up on me FAST! And, at first, I didn’t think I was ready. I was still running with unorganised chaos. Fuck. Who am I kidding, I still am 😕 and I’m still procrastinating yet trying to be consistent, but these two things don’t play well together.
January has been about trying to be consistent. Umm... yeah... I mean, I’m one week late with this post BUT I was consistent for the other previous posts! This is proof that I can actually do it.
I have also learned that I’m kinda shit with my time management. I can map out the perfect schedule or to – do list for the day/week/month and I promise you, not all of my troops make it, there’s always a couple casualties and completely fallen soldier 😅😐!
Trust me! It drives me insane.
2019 me would have thrown a silent hissy fit and been so hard on ones self. I probably would have avoided or quit!
2020 me is still here, bitch! Even though I’m one week late with this post, I’m – still – fucking – here! I won’t lie though; it’s annoying the shit out’ve me that I’ve fallen behind on keeping up with updates on the new sections on my site. I’m working on improving this! I’m blaming it on the heat😅😐 honestly! It’s fucking with me this year, I’m trying to fight through but she’s been hitting late 20’s, early 30'sand my tetraplegic side of things is not a fan! Nope, not a supporter over here🖕🏻!
The grass is crisp and golden – dead looking everywhere. The air outside is thick and ugly – you can feel her thickness, her stinging burn. She’s showing no mercy this year, she’s not playing around, bitch!
BRING ON WINTER!!!
Along with the heat, tragedy still managed to strike, both close to home and worldwide. And with everything going on in the world, I’ve caught myself thinking about and questioning whether or not the predictions that come from the Bible are true - Don’t come for me God or Bible experts! I’m calling you out as well; - “anti God or Bible experts"😅, I haven’t Googled any facts to back my statement yet😅, it’s just been my “what is life" thoughts as of late.
I'm sad for our little world though. We've all fucked it and I’m afraid to say it but she’s coming for us, it’s almost like a world purge! ...but, I’m trying not to be a doomsday’er – it really does my fear/paranoia for death, no favours whatsoever 😅
My radar is also activated for calling out or noticing “fair – weather friends” now, I’m trying not to be so naive or a “let it slide" person this round. Avoidance has not been running my life at the moment, it’s nice. Weird. But, nice. Motivation and determination are definitely creeping in a lot easier too.
My self-loathing is still a holmie, and I know, not a good holmie, I’m still trying to unfriend it. I wish it was as simple as clicking on a Block User button...
All in all January, you came fast and left fast (kinda like a Male... 😅🤭sorry dry-humour me couldn’t help it). But, January, you weren’t done without lessons, without trials, without tears! – it wasn’t a perfect one & that’s okay! You were still slayed by creativity, a lot more motivation & determination, support, love, laughter and other little secret weapons!
So, thank you January! See you again in 2021!
Now, as for you February, HELLO! 🙃
As I sit here writing to you, I’m wondering about all the things you have in store for us this month!?
I haven’t planned anything out on paper, yet.
However, a few things that already come with the month of Feb. are:
· The most obvious one, Valentines Day.
· If you’re from/in New Zealand, today marks Waitangi Day. It’s the day that commemorates the signing on the 6th of February 1840 of the treaty of Waitangi. Ceremonies take place at Waitangi (Northland) & elsewhere to commemorate the signing of the treaty, which is regarded as New Zealand’s founding document.
· Summer will find itself coming to the end of it’s season this month in New Zealand.
· This year for the month of Feb. it has an extra day due to the leap year.
It’s another month to plan for & knock each (or as many as possible) of them off the to – do list! January was a bit messy! I’ll be taking previous plans and bringing them into the new month with me, and I’m okay with that. It doesn’t mean I failed doing them in Jan. in actual fact, I need to bring them with.
I know where I’m lacking and trust me – I’m definitely acknowledging them all. Working on self-improvement one day at a time. This is gona sound like an excuse, BUT! Nearing the end of Jan, coming into Feb. the heat here in New Zealand is fucking SO CRAZY hot! & the tetraplegic me HATES summer! It honestly killed me and turned me into a lethargic sick (either shits & spews or vertigo) tetra – this, I wasn’t okay with 🖕😅🥴🙄
It’s okay, it’s okay! It’s almost over😌 and then I’ll probably find something else to bitch about🤭 but for now, I’m going to keep on keeping on and enjoy the moments.
P.S - Happy Leap Year February, bitches!
Just a casual photo of what my evening looks like from our deck. Isn’t it beautiful !? How lucky are we to live in such a colourful world!
Photo Credit: taekwondo_kate
Dear Forever friend,
Life and death are never fair. The shittiest promise ever kept is death, and the cruelest are the sudden ones. The unexpected ones. The tear them away from us ones without any notice first.
Last week was sudden & shocking. Heartbreaking doesn't cut it, I know girl. Grieving is hard, and I know that, anything I say will not free you from the sorrow that you are enduring and truth be told, right now, you’re anything but close to feeling or being “normal”. You can disagree but, I’ve known you long enough to know!
And, I can’t do the whole, “cook or bake” you some kind of delicious, comfort food and bring it down to you —I can’t cook or bake... hell girl, I can’t even get into my own kitchen to do so😅! I think I’d be a shitty cook anyway! & I even looked at the bunches of pretty flowers that are on display at countdown, but girl... I had already paid all of my bills that day so, #NUKTHEPOOTZ😅 (Only you'll crack up at me saying that!)
But girl, I do promise that, I’ll be a great distraction for when you need to escape from being all up in your feelings. And I’m not going to tell you that “I’m sorry for your loss”, you haven’t lost him, girl —you know where he is! Doesn’t change the fact that, this shit sucks and nothing will unsuck it.. not now, not ever. Find comfort in knowing that, the last conversation you had with each other ended in “I love you’s”, not everyone got this luxury!
And there’s going to be days where you’ll have high’s & lows. Some will be so low that, you’ll find yourself a blabbering mess or even just angry at nothing, but everything because you’ve had not ONE, but both precious taonga taken from you. Kind of fucking impossible to fathom... I told you, this blows my damn mind!! I’m just here to remind you though, that; I got your back sis! Even if you just want to talk and I sit & listen —I can totally sit, i’m really good at that, and I can totally listen☺️🖤
Umm, I can't promise I'll be quiet in the cheap seat... you know me girl & you know I might give unwanted, unfiltered opinions --no words-of-wisdom, probably more annoying (not on purpose) than anything, just know, it comes from a good place. But, I also know, you'll tell me how-it-is too! & that's okay! I'm prepared to catch feelings, possibly even be offended hahaha! & that's okay too!
Don't worry girl, I wont justify your words with your grief --that's just you! A strong, opinionated bitch :)
I can feel your eyes roll as I typed all that hahaha! Keep rolling them, bitch! <^>(-,-)<^>
There will also be days where, you’ll feel on top of the world, and all you wana do is share those moments with him/both of them, but you know you can’t... & yes, this is true but only in the physical.
You and I both know —they’re with you through it all. Feeling doesn’t always mean physical. Their voices still exist in your mind, their unconditional love still flood your heart, memories will always be a film you get to re-visit and watch whenever you need/want! Their advice, their teachings, their habits, their parenting, their skills —you’ll carry with you for the rest of your life.
To be honest, I don’t know where I’m going with this letter, but let’s just treat it as a distraction. Maybe it'll help cheer you up? Maybe it'll fill a void for 5 seconds?! That's long enough to let yourself breeaaatthhheeee for a sec.
I don't want to be cringe or clichè and tell you "time heals all or it gets easier over time" ---I hate that shit!
I can't fix or change the absence feeling, but I can fill it with time & friendship. No sappy shit, I know you loathe sappy!
Just know girl, I'm a video call/text/just-up-the-road away, here for you, For always, forever friend!!!
As I sit here, writing this letter to you, it’s not done without guilt and sadness. & before I carry on, I need to apologise — I’m so fucking sorry, Australia!!
And, it wasn't until our New Zealand skies turned hazey yellowy, orangey, reddish; that I started to think & realise... holy fuck! It's more than just a typical Australia fire!!!
I’m sorry because, I’ve been ignorant and I made sure to be absent from knowing any information about the situation.
I've avoided as much as I could, to protect my own empathetic little heart. But, Facebook had other ideas and still managed to expose me to the red monster and the devastation it has and still continues to cause.
Heartbroken is an understatement...
My ignorance brushed off and sugarcoated the severity of it all... It was for my own selfish reasons.
My soul literally can not handle the despair, the ache, the brokenness ---For this I am sorry, Australia!
And, I know our countries have always given each other shit, and I know we’ve always competed against each other, but through this horrific time --We need to stand together! What I hope for even more is that, the rest of the world comes to help too!
As I sit here, for the first time and read the only article I've found that, I can bare to endure, I feel the words! I feel the desparate plea's. I feel the rage, not of the red-monster
but of the people, of the animals, of Australia themselves.
I know I'm a nobody and I can't do anything. & I know my letter probably wont reach Australia, & my donation wasn't in the millions, & my tears aren't enough to rid' the red-monster and it's flames. I really don't have anything to offer. I'm helpless ---For this, I am truely sorry! I hope like fuck there are options, ways, solutions, HELP there or coming in full force to conquer that motherfucker!!!
Now, I read something that touches on the Australian Govt. I definitely don't have the knowledge to comment, and probably no right too, BUT! you know what?! Fuck it!! Because this isn't just a tiny fire, this isn't just a house on fire, this isn't just a small, under control tree fire, this isn't something any human or animal can escape on their own! Which brings me to ask...
--DEAR AUSTRALIA'S P.M/GOVT.! YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU, WHERE ARE YOU? ARE YOU LISTENING TO YOUR COUNTRY? ARE YOU DOING EVERYTHING YOU POSSIBLY CAN TO SAVE YOUR COUNTRY? OR ARE YOU SITTING BACK,
NICE & SAFE FROM THE RED-MONSTER??!
P.S - HELP SAVE YOUR BURNING COUNTRY!!!
Pss - I am so fucking, whole-heartedly SORRY, Australia!!
- me, a nobody in New Zealand.
Dear Sensitive Sally!
What an... interesting week for the new year huh. I know, I know; you’d rather call it a cunt of a week! But, no! It’s been interesting and at some points, even entertaining. Let me ask you something though ---DID YOU GET SICK OF HEARING YOUR OWN VOICE ON SOME DAYS!?? Cos I certainly did!
Let’s talk about New Year’s day! Not gona lie... you were a bitch lol there’s just no other way of putting it. & I’m not sorry for pointing it out either, someone had too! By the way, apologize to Mum! She had to endure the whinge from you and your voice box, the most that day.
In your defence though; Mother knows what buttons to push to make you go to all kinds of levels. But, bitch! We’re not in Court, so “in your defence” is null and void.
Did you read my 2020 – self letter to you? Obviously you need to read it again! Cos, you’ve done almost everything opposite. & I refuse to let you have a repeat of 2019!
Just . Stay . Focused . Girl!
Don’t worry about missing the beginning of last week in regards to not starting our new health & well-being journey on the desired date we chose. Honestly not even a big deal! Starting on the 1st made far more sense to me, so I can totally understand why.
Don’t . Beat . Yourself . Up!
Leave room for CHANGES. Whether they’re last minute or not —-just, save space. This way you’re not going to freak out on yourself. Freaking out = heading in the direction of self-loathing! & my love, that shit isn’t welcome in our 2020!
I see our nemesis’ consistency and procrastination are still hanging around you! I also see and feel like this time is different. Breaking old habits and mindsets aren’t a walk in the park! & it sure as hell won’t happen overnight. You’ve got a few twists & tangles to undo! Piece of advice for you? Start with Netflix & YouTube! You’re easily distracted by these platforms! I know you’ll be okay, I’m hopeful!
Keep . Going . Bitch! . You’re . Doing . It!
Yes, it’s gonna be hard, I know! You know! I told you this in the first letter, but I don’t mind telling you a thousand more times! Because, hard doesn’t mean impossible! It also doesn’t mean give up! My mind is overloaded with endless possibilities for you. Like, bursting at the seams, type of endless. I’m just waiting for you to catch up —I don’t mind waiting. I’ll always be here. You just need to be ready.
Amongst the chaos and bullshit, I watched you still push yourself to do the things that you would usually put on your “do it the next day priority list” —for this, you should be proud of YOU! Kudos!
You might think you’re failing, but I promise you’re not! You’re just getting started, WE are just getting started! Let’s call these first two weeks, our practice weeks!
You’ll be fine xx
Ps. Get rid of Sensitive Sally, she’s annoying! Replace that bitch with Lavender! Our Kate said it fixes everything!
Photo Credit: taekwondo_kate
Dear 2020 self,
Well, well, well! Here we are again, bitch! Another year down and a new one to welcome us! I’ve written to you almost every year--- so, it’s no surprise I’m here, all up in your grill, writing to you for this one.
Even if you’re not interested in listening right now, I’m putting this out and into The Universe for you, for me, for us, anyway!
And, okay, yes! 2019 shit on you good and proper. Yes, it was a year of being M.I.A. from the world. From proper human interaction. From the Blog. From yourself! Obviously, you ignored my letter for that year 🙄!
BUT! It’s alright! You won’t be allowing it to happen this round, right?! It’s just not an option ---for our sake, and for the health of your body, your mind and our well-being!
Don’t turn back! You got this, girl!!
FOCUS on your 2020-self, you don’t need any drama! You get enough of that from your Diva-self 😅🤭
I know, you know that; - these letters come from a place of love, strength, encouragement and power. These letters will be a reminder to you that, stopping the chase to self-betterment is not a fucking option! and, I’ll always have your back, bitch!
For a fucking LONG time, I’ve watched you self-loathe & hate. I’ve watched your pattern of self-sabotage unravel. Destroying your mind, body and soul, year after year. BITCH! YOU’RE BETTER THAN THAT! There is no time or space for any of that shit to fit into your 2020 schedule! You know this!
I know you’re scared, but honestly; - you can do it and you’ll get everything you wanted. I believe in you! You need to do the same, you owe us!
Drop the mask and you will conquer your demons, one by one. Some exciting shit can happen if you just go for it! Your heart and mind needs to be open! Optimism is part of the deal too! --and that my love, is a fucking beautiful thing to have!
Turn your talk into fruition, just like we planned! You need this!
Work hard with your team, they’re all here for you! and it would be a real shame if you wasted their time as well as your own. Be 1000%transparent with your loved ones, your friends, but most importantly – YOURSELF. This isn’t a game of hide n’ seek or fake it til' you make it!
This year, you have goals! Realistic ones, fucking scary ones ---the kinds that are giving you anxiety as you read this bit. You’re going to have 5 year goals too! ...well, guess what bitch? These goals need YOU! only YOU can achieve them!
This letter (even though I’ve kept it short and a little blunt) and your new Health & Well-being Journey sections on your website, are holding you and I accountable for everything that is about to go down in 2020 for us... just incase you didn’t know! But we got this! I promise.
I’ll be checking in often! So, don’t forget to read my letters to you!
Here is a photo of the Fur babies, because, CUTE AS FUCK!!!