It is a silent assassin. It takes her down cramp by cramp. It physically cripples her from the inside – out. It is lethal. Brutal. It can in-fact, destroy lives, relationships. This cruel, insensitive, guiltless mongrel doesn’t care about the destruction it causes. It haunts her everyday. Some days, bearable, other days she’d rather me kick her in the balls I think. Pain killers only do so much, the pain never goes away. Surgery helps, but still doesn’t eliminate it all. She is left to “manage” and “cope” with it, as best as she can.
The silent assassin never shows its ugly face on the outside. It’s gutless and hides away on the inside. Causing havoc and slaughtering her, not only destroying her insides, but also taking HER away from herself and the people close to her.
Slowly, I started noticing she stopped touching. She was pulling away from me whenever I touched or tried to touch her. We slowed rigghhtttt down on being sexual, even sensual. And everyone who knows us, knows how she couldn’t keep her hands or eyes off of me. I started to lose my confidence. She was always so snappy, negative, angry. I felt useless, I started thinking I wasn’t doing enough to make her happy. Then, eventually… the sex stopped altogether. Was it me?? What was I not doing? Was it cause I’m fat? SO MUCH self-doubt happening! Where was my high-sex-driven-HAPPY-FUNNY-nice girlfriend at??!!! And don’t twist shit, cause it wasn’t the fact that the sex stopped, my thing was WHY?! I would constantly blame myself. I was beginning to feel depressed.
I started to feel ugly. Alone. Never good enough. I mean, I tried not to make it about me. It was a really hard time. With no actual answers. Either because, I was too scared to ask questions in-case shehulk came out or, because she’d get really defensive, which then led us to arguing. No matter what I said or did, I was still, always the bad guy lol ..and just so we’re clear, I fucking dreaded period time of the month – the build up gave me anxiety because I knew I was either going to be in the ring with shehulk or with an emotional crybaby (crybaby I could cope with though!). Sometimes, it was nice to get emotional crybaby. She’d be affectionate and would want me to be affectionate back.
I would take the piss (joke about) at times; - “well I wouldn’t know what sex is”, “it's like I’m a born again virgin”, or “do you remember what my vagina even looks like babe”, “why do you laugh with that person, but not with me anymore?” …Yeeaaahhh, sometimes my “no filter” needs a filter!!! While I found my piss takes funny, girlfriend, nottttt so much…oopsyyyy! She was not impressed one bit. In actual fact, that just made her feel embarrassed and incompetent. ..way..to..go..Kylie..way..to..go!!
I’ll admit, I didn’t quite “get it” in the beginning. I think I actually blamed a lot of it on too much alcohol consumption lol how ignorant was I to do that aye! …alcohol wasn’t helping the situation though! It took me a little bit to “take it all in” and to open my eyes to realise, HOLY SHIT!!! This is actually for real! I knew she was never lying! I think I just fell into the trap of, “if I can’t see it, then it surely can’t be that bad!” – ignorance at its finest.
Watching her, hearing her, worried about her!!… I feel helpless. I feel useless. I just want to do more for her. Get rid of all of the yuck shit, and fix her. Realistically though, I know, that can’t and wont happen.
So. I stopped. I stopped with all of my “emotional shit”… fuck! Reading above, I look so fucking selfish, I promise I’m not though. I started to learn about it all and listen to her. It’s SO important to listen!! I became more understanding, more aware. She wasn’t seeking sympathy. She just needed me, to listen to her. To not be ignorant. To learn. No problem, I can do that!! It was so much fucking better for the both of us to just TALK and LISTEN. <<-- I cannot stress that enough!!!
FINALLY, having an understanding of it and what it’s doing to her made a HUGE difference! I’ve squashed any self-doubts I had because it’s not about me, at all. And it doesn’t help either of us, our relationship or our situation with this bastard assassin!
Who or What is this silent assassin??? It is an incurable disease known as Endometriosis! It can go fuck itself! I want to kick it right in the dick!!! I’m so disgusted and disappointed that this disease isn’t taken more seriously. Just because it can't be seen, doesn't mean it doesn't exist!!!
As a Partner to someone suffering Endometriosis, I’ve learnt to LISTEN. I’ve learnt that it is NOT about me. I’ve learnt to have more respect towards her and not joke about shit that is actually affecting her. I’ve learnt to fuck the ignorance off. I’ve learnt not to react to her grumpy moments, she doesn’t mean to be like that. I try and do whatever I can to help her with all of her aches and pains.
I’ve always reassured her about my unconditional love I have for her and that I’m here, right by her side, ALWAYS. Support and patience is a BIG MUST in this situation as a partner to an Endo sufferer as well. Just remember, we are their safe/comfortable zone, that’s why we get it in the throat the most. It isn’t ideal but know, they don’t mean it. Try to ignore it. Don’t let it affect you. It is an extremely HARD road, but if you truly love that person, you’ll take the bad with the good and ride through the shit storm together!!!!
Keep smiling, stay happy <3