I’m sitting here.
& as I write this, I may or may not be watching the re-run of, Married at first sight as well... it’s juicy, cringey shit and, yes! I’m hooked — shhh!! We’re not here to obsessively talk about this!
1319, what is it?
It’s a second chance.
It’s LIFE. & not just for one, but multiple.
It comes once a year. Unavoidable. I usually don’t remember it’s the day. Not on purpose, it just happens.
BUT – it’s the 1st of the 3rd month & today is that day, 19 years AND I remembered bitches! (Only cos’ I kept reminding myself for like a week haha)
It’s 19 years today, I told my Mum to – “shut up!”, “I’m going to the bridge!!”.
It’s 19 years today, I was 12, a month from turning 13.
It’s 19 years today, I wasn’t allowed to jump off the bridge, so I dove off the jetty instead. What a little fucker.
It’s 19 years today, I broke my neck on impact.
It’s 19 years today, two older kids saved my life, something I’ll forever be grateful for – Caroline & James ❤❤
It’s 19 years today, I took my last everything’s – walked, used my fingers/hands, bodily functions, ran, swam freely, independence etc.
It’s 19 years today, I’ve been in a chair longer than I’ve walked.
It’s 19 years today, I fucked up the “pathway" of what could have been for my life & those around me. I’m a all or nothing girl, so uhh, yaknow!
It’s 19 years today, mine and my families lives changed forever.
It’s 19 years today, & my sister’s have no recollection of me ever walking, they were so young when it all happened.
It’s 19 years today, it’s definitely been filled with every emotion possible.
Dear 12 year old Kylie,
As fucked as this may sound – having your accident was a blessing in disguise in some ways. Yes, you had to endure a shitload during 19 years, but it’s been worth it. & you didn’t go through it alone.
Because of the situation and during these years, so many things happened, some good and some bad..
People changed for the better.
You learned how to mask & pretend denial away.
Grief showed it’s face during the 19 years & it wasn’t pretty.
You experienced healing hands of a true angel, something you’ll carry with you forever.
School life was a love-hate relationship. In the end, you hated it & left for the wrong reasons. High School drop out over here 👍
You studied, well tried too.
I'm not gona lie – You were lonely, a fuckload. You didn’t show it.
Jokes at your expense, You’d laugh just so you could cope.
Tattoos, piercings, crazy hair & make up became your ways of expression & feeling.
You definitely cared what others thought of you – now, ZEROFUCKSGIVEN!!
Self-confidence has definitely played a huge role during the 19 years.
You found your forever best friend during the 19 years.
You dabbled in the CatFish scene – it’s okay though, you eventually stop being selfishly vindictive.
After being so anti about it, you started smoking weed during the 19 years.
Turns out, it’s better to keep the circle of friends small & close! Quality over quantity any day! You don’t learn this til’ your thirties.
You absolutely wasted a lot of days doing nothing, letting fear rule you, letting guilt of disappointing others rule you.
Safe to say you’ve mindfucked yourself a million times over.
Generous to a fault – you get it from Dad!
Creativity never left.
You had to realise that, dignity doesn’t exist in your line of life – your bodily everything’s have been exposed in more ways than one.
Resentments amongst you & Mum were there, 100%! It’s expected! There’s no need for guilt or worry.
Moving out & away was a dream come true and was sooo good, for many reasons.
You prepped yourself for a life of being alone (relationships wise).
You are the biggest procrastinator EVER.
Well, guess what?! Those are the chapters from what happened 19 years ago. Some made it into your future, some didn’t.
Through it all, you made it out! I mean, hellooo! I’m here, I’m proof. I’m YOU!
It’s 19 years later, today.
It doesn’t need to be sad.
It doesn’t need celebrations.
It doesn’t even need acknowledgement.
It needs to be known that,
19 years later –
I’m happy (unless I’m in a cunt mood)
I’m okay health wise.
I’m still struggling with my self-confidence/body image.
I’m still going to the gym, yesterday.
I’ve been living in Hamilton since 2012 – best choice ever! This meant, my sisters could finally have Mum, cos it’s always been about me. Grand-babies also got to have a nan, without it being about me. Mum & I needed to be separated before we hated each other. & the both of us could finally live separate lives.
I’m inlove & happy with my love & our fur babies.
I’m trying not to be naïve.
I'm an aunty to, two beautiful little girls xx
I still don’t know what I wana be when I grow up.
I’m still a tetraplegic.
& I still can’t walk ha ha!
I have goals.
I still procrastinate.
I’m still human.
I was actually more brave when I was 12.
Life is beautiful & a privilege, I’ve definitely learnt to appreciate it. I may not be able to walk or do “normal” shit, but it could be worse. & it’s not.
And. Just don’t underestimate ANYONE who has a different way of living life. Don’t be a cunt.
19 years ain’t got shit on me! Bring on another 20 and many more!