Yes, that is indeed ME in the above image. I know, not a pleasant sight – I laughed the whole time while Bae was trying to snap a “decent” picture! Editing this was awkward, I attempted doing it with my eyes closed. Failed attempt but -
Yes, I'm exposing myself.
No, this is not a porno scene. Sorry to disappoint.
That would’ve been, uhh, interesting though.
But, in this case – What you see in the image above is just a tiny glimpse into one of the things I've been dealing with every now & then for the last few months. Might look funny. Probably looks embarrassing. Maybe even gross. Well, guess what?! It’s REAL. & it's what I had to do in order for the girl to breatheeee. She's been subjected to weeks on end of being locked away. There was a rash that day. Got it from the heat! another reason, girl needed a breather!
Hi my loves <3 I was missing for 3-long-fucking-months and this is why…
September 23rd, 2017 – Invisible chains were put on me and I went to bed…
How? WTF? Where?! Why?!
See that cunt up there ^^, that is a pressure area… that is my pressure area, HEALED (still in the fragile stages though)! But when it was in the weeping, grazed-looking, red & angry stages, it looked nothing like this. It was a lot bigger and it gave me no other option but to be on bedrest… These can be caused by a variety of things and the only actual cure for it (because of where it is), is to be in bed and off the area. It was in that moment, I knew I was fucked. I knew I was about to spend a long ass time in all four walls.
My pressure area is near my sitting bone on the left, towards the inner thigh – really fucking awkward place.
… You’d think because of this, I’d be sensible about it and stay off it… completely… right?! Oh no, that would be way too easy!
& of course, me being me – I thought I could get away with being in bed AND sit up in it. All I can say is – fuck you Kylie! 🖕
So, here I am guys & girls. And guess what?! I know every inch of my walls and ceiling – I have nine shapes on my ceiling! I say nine shapes because six of them are squares and three of them are rectangles, which by the way – fucks me off because I'm anal about uneven things yet, 5 is one of my favourite numbers?!
BTW – a photo for proof! Because, you know, “if you didn’t take a picture, then it didn’t exist “, right?!
You looked at & counted the shapes, didn’t you?! ;)
Oh, and my discovery of said shapes & ceiling, took place during my first hour of my first day of the first week of being bound to my bedroom.
Don’t worry I’m not dead. I just knew this was going to change me.
I won’t lie though, at the time I thought I should just pack my bags for my funeral right then and there! – Of course, a funeral was never an option, just a thought conjured up from being so dramatic.
What a fucking rollercoaster ride!
I slowly started feeling like my emotions were about to explode. Frustration. Anger. Worry. Sadness. Loneliness. Scared. Boredom. Blame. Pain. FOMO – All of which almost swallowed me up! At one point, I cried for 3 to 4 days straight. I felt sorry for myself. & then, I was so fucking mad at myself.
And as days turned into weeks I was definitely starting to question “Why me?? What the fuck did I do to deserve this!?”, oh yes! It wouldn't be me if I didn't protest my shit and question WHY ME!! I even started to think to myself, “there better be a fucking purpose for all of this, because I feel like everything I do, everything in my life is made to be a struggle “ – shit really started getting to my head.
My insecurities that I already had about myself have enhanced since being in invisible chains & the paranoia of my weight is definitely there & it is definitely real! Oh, and the pain I have endured in both shoulders from turning side-to-side has been a fucking cunt! But, I take my hat off to Kate & Mum, because those two endure the wrath of my assholeness the most. Forgive me?!, kthnx ❤ (ps – I'm sorry, like, actual xx)
Bedrest seems like something amazing, right? Which in some cases it is, BUT, this is not one of those cases, mate! In the beginning, once past the initial shock, yes, I tried to convince myself (& I did get a little excited) that the idea of binge watching a whole bunch of cool shit on Netflix was going to be so much fun, or that catching up on some much needed sleep was going to refresh my soul – but reality kicked in and suddenly you realize; “ohh yaaay! I get to shit lying down on my side today, how fucking lucky am I right now, huh!?” -_- …What’s dignity again? Pfftt.
Once reaching the actual point of acceptance for the whole situation, I started changing my train-of-thought and it was then, that I started seeing a different side to it all. I was sick of fighting against it because that was causing me to make costly mistakes and earn myself extra brownie points to go towards a longer stay in bed. I hate bed. It can suck my tit. No more costly mistakes. PLEASE!
Anyway, I started looking at the situation like this:
I’m in this predicament for obvious reasons – “pressure area/sore”, yes! But for me (after a long time thinking about shit), it goes beyond that. There's lessons that have come with all of this, and I think I needed to go through ALL of it, to get to where I am right now! (Don’t worry it makes sense in my head!)
Here’s my take on it all -
#mistake 01: Skin wasn't catching a break.
I’ve always had amazing skin integrity, which I definitely took for granted. Staying up til' late at night (even though I had sat all day.) & then, sitting up in bed for a further 4 to 5hours. Lay down & on my side for a couple hours before it's time to get back up at 6am & repeat that shit all over again. And, I was spending WAY TOO LONG on the commode, my weight shot up from binge eating & positioning wasn’t completely correct.
#mistake 02: I wasted so much fucking time, avoiding rather than doing!!
I let 2017 pass me by! I allowed shit to become my “reasons” for avoiding, hiding & not doing. I got stuck in a dark funk (my yearly thing I do that needs to be stopped!) – I couldn't be bothered. I gave up, I guess. I literally wasted days, hours, minutes! I’m salty at myself for that!
#mistake 03: I wasn’t LIVING, I was EXISTING!
This pretty much sums it all up.
So, 3 months in bed opened my eyes & mind. It reminded & made me see that my life is filled with so much richness and happiness! That I need to just DO EVERYTHING I want and not fuck around self-doubting. It’s taught me to love & appreciate my skin, to let myself rest.
I’m 32 this year, I don’t have time to be a debby-downer for another year. I don’t have time to fear shit that, I haven’t given an actual chance. I don’t have time to just sit around and do NOTHING. I don’t have time to self-hate. I don’t have time to avoid.
So, 3 months in bed was a harsh lesson for me. But, I believe it was meant to happen. Once I got past the “feeling down” stage, I was shook! & I was quickly woken by a bigger picture of my reality… Instantly, my mind felt relief. Relief, knowing where to go & what I have to do in order to achieve & conquer! Relief has been my motivation & my levels are on a high!
December 15th, 2017 – I was allowed to get up for the first time. I had been lying on my sides for so long now, my head levels were about to flip their shit on me! I was dizzy (expected), sooo dizzy! It sucked. It put me off wanting to get up again. It was THAT bad! But I had to keep going! It was the only way!
Throughout December, I’ve spent it in and out of my chair, tending to my area & monitoring it because, it can get fucked if it thinks I’ll be subjected to its presence again!
^^ Everything I was reminded of. Everything I’m bringing into my 2018, for myself.
Even though, I had so many insecurities about myself.
Even though, I allowed a “funk" to bait me, hook me & continuously kept re-baiting & re-hooking me, to keep me in that “funk".
Even though, I had ailments coming from left, right & center.
Even though, I avoided any important medical appointments.
Even though, I turned 31.
Even though, I had no vehicle for 6 months.
Even though, I had my heart torn out & stomped on from the death of my Lily Pop.
Even though, we had such a huge financial stressed Year.
Even though, our new boy got SO ill.
Even though, I ended up on bed rest.
Even though, I found out who my actual ride or dies are.
Even though, I lost touch with certain humans in my life.
Even though, we’ve struggled.
Even though, we went without for others.
2017 has taught me A LOT of shit that I DON’T want to take with me or carry on doing in 2018.
It's taught me to get the Fuck up & out and DO THINGS! Not too abuse the privilege of having “time".
I wasted so many days, minutes, hours in 2017 – I am ashamed! 🖕
It's taught me that, people can change & making new friendships with them can happen!
It's taught me to see who is actually there for me & who wasn’t.
It's taught me that, once in a while I'm allowed to be selfish.
It’s taught me to take opportunities & make the most of everything.
It’s taught me to appreciate the life Kate & I have created together.
Seems like 2017 wasn’t the greatest to me, right? WRONG! I wasn’t the greatest to myself during that year! – FACTS!
And even though I’m a week late – I’m saying goodbye to 2017 (no regrets because shit obviously needed to go down this way!) & I’m welcoming 2018 with an open mind, a fresh train-of-thought, with missions to conquer & a world to take over - I'll be a super hero if I want!
Make 2018 mean something to you because I will be!