I know, I know! We still don’t know what happened to me, right? RIGHT.
so many questions??! Who told mum?? Who, what, where, how, why?! BUT. before you carry on! make sure you've read part 1.
For the first time ever, you’ll get to read about, not only my version of this but my mothers’ side as well!
FYI – I apologize in advance in case of any mindfucks you may endure during this read. It’s like my mind was glitching or ticking in and out. One minute I’m in one place doing something and then, less than a minute later I’m in a different place doing something else. I wasn’t myself ya see ha ha!
Meanwhile; Mum, only 29yrs old at the time, was about to deal with one of the most fucked up things of her life!
I remember seeing a lady standing at the doors, holding one side open ---BUT! I could also be completely wrong; I mean, I was fucked up! I could’ve been looking at a brick wall and thought it was a lady standing at the door.
However, my gut tells me I’m right about seeing a lady, so that’s what we’ll go with!
“I’m in shock! After the visit from Milton W. with the news of Kylie having an accident, I’ve just been told my daughter has a broken leg but will be out tomorrow. She’s being rushed to Gisborne Hospital by helicopter. I thought nothing of it at the time. I watched the helicopter leave. In a panic, I raced home to tell my husband the news ---he had to stay back at home with our two younger children, so my sister Lisa and Mum drove me straight to Gisborne hospital.
The usual 35 – 40min drive from Tolaga to Gisborne felt like the longest drive ever!!”
After seeing a lady; it was in and out of consciousness for me ---in my mind, anyway! Meaning; I was probably unconscious during the entire thing but, my mind has made me believe I was going in and out of it. Whatever it was;- I experienced some crazy shit.
It’s almost like I’m in a movie, watching different scenes of it all. But, I still don’t know WTF is going on!
“Kylie was already being worked on by the time I got there. I didn't get to see her straight away. The waiting game was a silent killer.
The shock & fear was definitely still there! In fact, it's in full force! I just hope my kid is okay back there."
*Am I squinting? I feel like I am?! My eyes feel like they’re trying to open. I feel like I’ve been trapped in the dark for the last 75,000 years. Everything is blurry. Bright but, blurry! yaknow, that bright but blurry feeling you get when the sun is too strong for your eyes to handle.
It stays blurry. And I continue to fade in and out of scenes…sometimes, they’re not all visual, sometimes they’re physical or emotions.
“FUCK! What the fuck is that feeling??!”
It hurts. And this time, it’s not my eyes, it’s my head!! WTF is it!? I’m yelling at her. could be a him but in my blurry vision it looks like a female. I’m yelling for whoever it is, to PLEASE STOP PLEASE!
Why isn't she fucking stopping!!?
It’s so painful. Ew! My tongue is hanging out of my mouth…at least, that’s what it feels like to me. but my head is still in pain. It looks like she’s smiling at me?! WTF!? Don't smile at me bitch!! Just STOP HURTING ME!!!
The only other way of explaining the feeling is ;- something was being forcefully twisted into my skull and there’s a sick bitch, smiling at me, doing it. AND IT'S NOT OKAY!!!
My mind is scattered though. So many fucking questions right now ;-
What is that pain, like actual?
Why is my tongue out of my mouth AND why the fuck does it feel like I look like a dead animal??
Why is the doctor or nurse not putting my tongue back in my mouth?
Is my tongue actually out??!
Why aren’t they stopping??
Can’t they hear me yelling?
Like, I literally have nothing.
And, I don't even know it.
“tell me straight! ---
“I told the Doctor not to sugar-coat anything! And again, I said; IS MY DAUGHTER GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT OR NOT?!
"- I’m sorry but there is a very high chance she might not make it through the night…"
“I’m in absolute SHOCK!”
“We both are!!”
“Devastation doesn’t even explain this shit”
“As a Mother, seeing my daughter who is barely a teenager in such a way is heart breaking. I feel helpless. I’ve let her down."
“Family & Friends gathered at the hospital; Loma & Mike, Bill, Pare, Mum, my sisters…just to name a few”
“Again, HOW IS ANY OF THIS REAL?!”
“I'm watching them, one by one they go in to see her.”
“So much pain. Tears that won't stop falling and my daughter...lying there...in a coma...and there’s nothing I can do.”
“I wonder if she can hear her, Aunty Loma praying over her.
I wonder if she can hear or feel any of us around her."
Artist: @visceral_photography (Jess)
“I was 29yrs old at the time and in six words; - LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.”
(See you next Monday for Part 3)
For a long time I’ve contemplated telling my story on here. I know I’ve lightly touched on it in other posts, but it's always been in a round-about way. I tried telling it in a different section of the site but that ended in the recycle bin - too much babbles & bullshit.
SOOOO. I’ve decided to do a little mini series to get my story out. I’m doing it in parts because it's a LONG LONGGGG journey! Don't wana bore the fuck out've you!!
Without further ado; ...
What if the last thing you heard before you were about to do something was, the laughing and playing that came from you and the local kids?
And then, what if the sound that follows, changes EVERYTHING for the rest of your life…
I was 12yrs old when I took my last steps, had use of my fingers, could 100% feel every inch of my body AND took my last shit and piss without help or exposure – RAW FACTS.
TOLAGA BAY, NEW ZEALAND. 1999, MARCH 1ST – it was a typical day for 12yr old Kylie. School – friends – home – chores – roam ; the weather was hot! Perfect day to go for a swim down at our local spot -; the bridge! And by swim I mean jump off the bridge into the water. Still technically swimming ha.
Photo credit: I do not own rights to this photo! (Google search)
Mum told me I couldn't go. I was definitely NOT allowed to go for a jump. But, yes, I was an asshole. I stomped my feet. Insisted I was going anyway. Disregarded her words. Even her threats of telling Dad Haha! Fuck, 12yr old Kylie was a sassy little bitchhead.
I walked out that day and defied everything mum had said. “Shut up! I’m going” -; I slammed the door and I left.
For the last, almost 20yrs, I have replayed that moment over & over & fucking over again. So many “if only’s” , but ! whatever.
Once I was out the door, I RAN! And I didn’t stop until I got well and truly up the road. On my way;- I stopped at an “aunty’s” house (yaknow, one of those people that everyone calls aunty? We all know one), some older girls were there, getting ready to go to the bridge as well. They were having a smoke first though ---I’m pretty sure I had a puff ha ha & I’m pretty sure I wana slap 12yr old Kylie for being such a little cunt. Don’t smoke kids!
We all made our way to the bridge. We were still on the road and we could already hear lots of laughs and voices coming from that direction.
I couldn’t wait to get there! It was hot. And I was so keen for a jump!!
I sometimes wonder what I was wearing that day, because, for the life of me! I can’t remember. However, I do remember -; I had a cute little black tote bag on my back. it was filled with marbles, they were the “in – thing” at the time.
It’s been 19yrs BUT, anyone know where that went? Ha ha because I’ve always wondered that too!?
Don’t know why, but those two things have always fucked with me ha ha!
WE MADE IT!
I played a few games of marbles first. Took my time making my way up and onto the bridge itself. I think the guilt of defying mum was getting to me.
Not sure when I made the choice to do this next thing but…
I decided I’d go under the bridge and follow the little pathway through, which took me to the other side of the bridge that nobody really jumped off. I wasn’t on that side for the bridge anyway! I walked that way because it also took me along the river bank, (located at the bottom of our towns local motel) and over to the jetty; which is where my cousin and his friends were.
It looked fun.
I remember, I walked on that jetty. I walked right to the edge of it and I just stood there. I looked out and around at my surroundings. Analysing all of the beauty.
I was quickly reminded that, I was also surrounded by cheeky boys too! Who, happened to be playing tag at the time.
I had walked back to the river bank, just chilling.
I can’t remember 100% but I feel like a boy named Hone ran passed me, hit me and said “ha ha TAG”…omg! Typing that fucks me off haha I hate being tagged!!
because, guess what my reaction was? SLOW! AND I MISSED when I tried returning the tag haha fuck sakes! So, I did the next best thing – I saw him and a couple others run and bomb off the end of the jetty. I thought, RIGHT! If they can do it, I can too! (plus I wanted to get him back!)
and this, girls & boys, is when everything was about to change forever…
I ran to the end of the jetty…
I didn’t do a bomb… like the boys did…
I decided to dive…
With this decision came HUGE consequences.
I hit the water…and I hear a sound that'll never leave my mind. It was like a cracking noise. I’m not sure if I momentarily passed out after that!? But there has always been that blank part for me?!
My mind wakes up. It’s cold under here though. Well, at least the top of my back & head that’s exposed to air and sun feels warm.
But, I can’t breathe… and once I actually come too, my eyes open and I realise -; I ACTUALLY CAN’T BREATHE!!! I’m yelling, SCREAMING underwater but no one can hear me. The more I open my mouth, the faster it fills with salty water.
OMG! I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO DIE.
I feel my head being dunked under more. UMM HELLO CUNTS I AM CURRENTLY DROWNING!
And then I feel things hitting my body ---kids thought I was playing & pretending to float on top of the surface…FOR THAT LONG GUYS!!?? I’M NOT A FISH ha ha!
I don’t know how long I tried for.
I told myself --; “Okay. Calm down Kylie…Close your eyes and go to sleep…”
I took my last gasp of salty water and then I closed my eyes, calmed myself enough to drift away.
Everything was silent. And dark. And cold.
All of a sudden, I see bright golden lights, and my body fills with warmth. And to this very day -; I believe I saw the gates or opening, to the next place. In the vision I remember from that moment, I made it right in front of those big things.
I woke up on the river bank...HOW did I even get there??! I remember crying. All I wanted was MY MUM.
I looked up, AND HELLO MISS POPULAR! Ha ha. sorry. my humour.
I was surrounded though, by A LOT of people. And you know what?? I remember the huge crowd of people in a horseshoe formation, I see people but not faces. Well, all but ONE.
Raewyn P. I see your face, and yours only?! Fuck knows why LOL. I guess I’m a creep?! I remember smiling at you? again, creep! Wtf ha ha
But, I’m still crying.
Mum arrives. I’m crying & crying.
I’m telling them I feel numb. I’m questioning -; WHY CAN’T I FEEL MY LEGS??!!
A helicopter lands.
A tall, skinny, white man walks over by me. he’s dressed in all blue. I must be drifting in and out of consciousness because, I don’t remember being put on the stretcher and carried into the helicopter. But, I do remember that – my last image I saw was the water and Titirangi mountain...
Next thing I knew; I was being rushed through A&E doors at Gisborne Hospital...
(See you next Monday for PART 2)
Get in the booth & confess, bitch
Today is a week after my 32nd birthday, and I’m still here, trying to figure out this game of life. But, through all my zoning in and out of thoughts, overthinking shit and countless amounts of conjuring’s – I have definitely been realizing that; I've changed incredibly; half-a-year in bed would do that to a person though.
And, as of last Sunday, I said goodbye to another year, younger. BUT, before fully saying fucken cyaaa! one final tribute needs to be done...
& with the internet as my witness ---these are:
1.Trying to show the middle finger to my old ways & craves.
because, my face is fat due to them and 31 showed me no mercy. My lack of self-discipline didn’t help either. IT’S OKAY THOUGH – I exercised for 30mins the night before 32… so, I should be good 😉
Like literally, doesn’t exist anymore because 32 now 😊
3. MININALIZATION is NOT my thing!
But. it's time girrrllll!!
4. Glassons = 16yr – 24yr old Kylie.
Thirty one was a no-go, what made me think turning 32 would change that?
5. Friends… sensitive subject for me, however it needs addressing.
Hmm. I’m learning that sometimes, letting go is the only option. actually. that’s all I’m gona say.
6. SAVING. haha! I'm the fucking worst.
You see, the only way this is possible is if I say goodbye to shopping.
The next few years are kinda’ important, so shopping, it’s been real but – bye bitch! ...but, I make no promises, okay?!
7. Bedrest was no hidden secret either...
but my depressive state was. I only let you see what I wanted. No one knew.
8. “You’re not a mum / you don’t have kids, so you don’t know”
– I fucking hate those lines! Don’t say them to me, like, ever. i've heard that shit 1 too many times.
9. Max Key.
HAHA hearted a photo of my boy, on IG. - highlight moment??
uh. just incase you missed it ; i was joking about the highlight moment bit!
I'm always torn between loving them & needing to punch their faces, because... cunts.
This is why I will always choose fur babies above most!
12. YouTube –
Could say I got a little consumed..
13. Oh, and during 31, I also got to see who was actually there for me and who wasn’t.
Unfortunately, the “who wasn’t” stood out the most.
14. I discovered Shane Dawson before 32 ,
and it’s been total obsessiveness since 😉, 31 did me well discovering him 🖤
15. I was humbled.
by many things.
16. The number 31 itself ,
irritated me the whole time – uneven 🤬
They've become my new black.
I allowed my relationship with MaryJane to not feel like a dirty little secret. I exposed our relationship in a blog post (click here)
19. I can finally see!
After years, I finally took the eye test- FAILED and ended up with glasses 🤓best ever!!
20. Mirror, Mirror.
I’m still struggling daily with my self worth/love. I still wish I could love me, whole heartedly 💔
31 showed forgiveness. It took him 3yrs possibly 4 but, it was a positive result in the end.
22. Heart break💔
23. MAVERICK 🦋
He came at the right time.
24. My very first metalhead wedding.
I won’t lie. The build up to this day was a fucking cunt and anxiety tried to ruin it for me by convincing me not to go... don't worry, I beat it! I didn't let it win, ha! Duck you anxiety!!🖕
I haven't been home in almost 3yrs & I'm not even mad about it.
it's slowly fucking taking bits & pieces of my heart and I'm not okay with it. For whatever fucking reason, please know you can always message me if you ever need someone. Plesse know, YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE!!!
Woohoo! 31 got to see in the new Prime Minister of New Zealand 😁😁😁 and I couldn't be more happy!!!
28. Stranger Things ...
Um. It's true. I’ve never seen it.
The only Male I’ll ever be inlove with!
Still my favourite ever.
31. STILL ,
The only one I can trust & depend on 100%