Before you and I became friends, I was always in pain – the kind that usually couldn’t be seen, so to the world of humans, it seemed like my pain was either non-existent (I’m tempted to say “like my tits”, but I shouldn’t! – but… I did anyway, oops! Sorry, I think it’s funny – because, it is! Well I giggle every time haha) or it was all in my head! Yaknow, it’s funny how we judge on things that we can’t see or feel for ourselves, that others are going through huh!
My stress levels were high and my mood swings were fucking ridiculous! – because I had hit, yaknow “those” vital stages in life for a girl; periods, drama-queen, parent-issues, sibling-issues etc. all the good shit.
My depressive moments were (still can be) frequent visitors, but I became a pro-pretender – who the hell wants a pity party?? Not fucking me that’s for sure.
And due to my accident, I’ve been on and off pills, pills and fucking more pills since I was 12yrs old – my body wasn’t the same after said accident. Spasms, restlessness, fatigue, insomnia, phantom pains, nausea, constant infections, brain-overload. You name it, I bet I’ve had it!
Anxiety was introduced to me over the years. A fuckload of built up anger revealed itself.
And soon… I’d just want to escape!... from everything – reality, pain, stress, the bubble I was stuck in, health shit… THE LOT!
I do have a confession though – I hated you before I got to know you, and the qualities you have! I was so against you and thought you had stolen my favourite cousin from me. I hated you! Then one day, I thought fuck it! I wana’ meet Mary!!! I wana’ know what the big fucking deal was about you! And you know what? That day changed my train-of-thought about you! I’m sorry I had ugly vibes towards you!
HOWEVER – we’ve known each other since I was 16, right, Mary? But, we weren’t allowed to be associated with each other, my Mum would’ve flipped the fuck out, remember?!…oh…you probably don’t huh?! We had to be secret buds for years! – because Mum would think the worst of you straight away if she knew we were hanging out. She’d accuse you of doing more harm to me than good. Same with Dad, too. They were just doing their, yaknow, “parent duties” I guess?!
But, I did do, all that I could to keep you a secret – from them, certain family members, certain friends, certain people or just people in general. Kind of not something I want publicized, yaknow?! Is it not enough that I have to expose my body to “people” or even strangers on the daily? Or that I didn’t really have a personal life or space?! Why did I have to share you with anyone, anyway, Mary?! All you were doing was helping me, what the fuck was the problem??! We weren’t harming anyone.
I’m 30 now, it took NINE years to come out. I haven’t looked back since. I mean, I know we broke up for a month or two but that was because I actually thought you were the problem. It wasn’t you though, it was me. I had no self-control when it came to you. I allowed you to become my addiction rather than accepting help from you for the right places and reasons.
BUT! We found each other again and if you’re helping to eliminate some of my issues that like to play funny buggers with me, my mind, my body, my life – then by all means, I welcome you in!
Certain medications only do so much for me, or nothing at all sometimes, Mary. When you’re around though – my aches and pains fade. My spasms ease. I can focus better. I get a decent sleep. Stress and depressive moments are manageable and you help me see that, there is a silver-lining for me. And you know what? SO FUCKING WHAT if you help me to escape this world at times – I’m not the only one that wants or needs a break from reality or life for a moment. I also get relief in knowing where you came from or what you’re about!
So… Mary… I’m writing this letter to thank you!
Thank you for:
I was once scared to talk about you – because, well… you’re so judged and anyone associated with you is labelled and judged. I don’t like the judgments!
Your reputation isn’t the best, which is funny coming from humans that are probably doing worse/more harm than good on this earth! But, in saying that – it’s also due to other humans who’ve abused you, Mary! They’ve given you a bad name, too! Fucking idiot’s!
But, I’m not scared anymore! I’m just thankful you exist. I honestly reckon my mind would be a chaotic fucking mess if you weren’t around. I’ve been told though, that you’re just an excuse. You don’t actually help. You make all my problems worse. I shouldn’t rely on you.
Pffttt. But I should go with what a Psychologist says? Or, it’s all good to rely on prescription drugs? – this world can be so fucked up with its “way-of-how-things-should-go”. I mean, I’m aware that you are a Law breaker and I should’ve stayed away from you, but, all you’re doing is helping me!?! I’m not staying away, don’t worry.
I bet, if it were them dealing with illness’ or day-to-day ailments, or if they were tired of pharmaceuticals, they’d come looking for you Mary. They’d want to know you!
I wish people would give you more credit and less judgment. Look past the bad reputation that others have caused you to have due to their use & abuse. I wish they could see that, you’re not all bad!
I know you're not a complete fucking saint as well. There are shitty points to you, Mary. BUT! there are also shitty points to myself too! With everything in life, there are pro's & con's! And I choose to accept you for you on all counts.
Oh well, I better stop writing now before I write a whole book rather than a letter!
P.S - See you at 4:20, Mary!