Once upon-a-time girl-meets-girl… hold on, hold on! This is not a fairy-tale! AND that’s not the beginning! In order to understand it all, you need to make it through the twists & bends first! It wasn’t all prettiness and rainbows!
SO – get comfy little lovebug’s and read about my own lovebug’…OH, & meet the Wifey FINALLY! *& the crowd goes ccchhhhhh…yaaaaaaaaayyyy…cccchhhhh* oh lordy! What even is “ccchhhhhh”?! uhhh, my interpretation of “crowd” sound effects, that’s what ha ha!
ANYWAY! Where was I?? …oh yes! The beginning!
There was a time where I had convinced myself that “No one wants to be with the girl in the wheelchair”.
For a long time, I hid behind a façade.
For a long time, I laughed off the fact that I was the single one in my circle of friends.
For a long time, I pretended that I didn’t care about the fact that I was alone.
For a long time, I pretended I had lost my big fat letter V.
For a long time, my thoughts tortured me.
For a long time, I wanted to cry when a family member told me straight to my face; - “no one would want you! You’re in that thing”… instead, I laughed it off. I’m still haunted by that shit though!
For a long time, I didn’t want to be alone.
For a long time, I sat and watched friends, family, even strangers & wondered if I’d ever get a chance to do or have what they all did!
But for a long, LONG time, I had prepared myself to be alone forever & eventually, that just became “normal” to me… Geez talk about Woe is me! At the time though, it was. Yeeeep! I felt sorry for myself which probably didn’t help the situation!
When I moved out of home in 2012 and went flatting, again I faced the ugliness of being lonely. I didn’t want to be friends with all of his (flatmate at the time) OLD friends, yet he seemed to try and force it upon me. I wasn’t outspoken then, I hadn’t found my voice. But I also wasn’t 100 either, I wanted to politely tell him to fuck off. I’m not sure he would’ve taken that as polite though, so I just kept that thought in my head.
Through a friend, I was told about a website – NZD. NO! NOT money either, it is not NZ Dollar! More along the lines of a dating site… hmmm! I sooo wasn’t about that! Uhhh HELLO! I had declared & accepted the life of singleton forever! Geez! & I found it strange that she’d use or go on such sites… especially since she was married and had children!
OMG! All kinds of assumptions started flooding through my mind. Eeeek! Was my friend being a secret little cheat? Getting her inner-slut on (we all have it in us ha ha)? Unhappy in her marriage? WTF! How could she do this to her hubby & kids! HOLY FUCK!!! & now that I think I know her secret, am I guilty by association???!!! Fuccck! I don’t want to know. I don’t want any fucking part of any of it, mateee!!!
…WAIT ON! – how about, instead of assuming and conjuring shit up, I should STFU and go in with an open-mind!!
Turns out, she used the site to find more friends!! She was lonely, as her hubby worked a lot! & living rural, she was always alone or with the kiddies. There wasn’t much adult interactions. I learned that NZD wasn’t just a dating site! There was a section that helped you find friends! Friends is what I craved for AND I could narrow them down to ages I found suitable for me. Well, so she informed me!
Do I try or do I not?! Hmmm…
FUCK. I’m nosey, so of course I’m going to try ha ha! I didn’t want anyone to know though! I felt embarrassed and thought if they knew, they’d tease me and not believe that I was only on a dating site looking for FRIENDS!!!
BUT - I took the plunge and I signed up! “Welcome to NZDating, secretPixie12”
…my god, I was really doing this! Okay, so I’m signed up!? Now what?! …ohhh, more shit to fill out! I narrowed everything down, wrote myself a profile, I chose not to upload a photo of me due to judgements & I didn’t want to be recognized! & then just waited.
Checked it every now and then but there was either no messages or when there was, they were from seedy old, horny men that felt the need to send me uninvited & unwanted cock pics – fuck knows if it ever belonged to them because I could never tell as there were never any faces to go with! Hmmm, ya boy is either married & is trying to be discreet or it just did not belong to him! Yuck! Just yuck!
I also had a few cross-dressers message me, they were…weird! And there was this one guy who wanted me to pretend to be his mummy… ummm WHAT!? Okay, my friend left out these bits about the site! WTF! But I was staying open-minded and not judging! Well, trying not to judge anyway.
However, I did find a couple of cool people. One who found my profile intriguing even without a photo & the other who was looking for female – female encounters, both of which I let know I was only looking for friends! And they were fine with that!
I think I stayed a member on the site for a 2 – 3 month period. Wasn’t having much luck in the friend seeking department. Only in the creepy old, seedy horny, cock-sending men department – which, I was by no means even remotely turned on by or interested in!!
I was about to pull the plug overall failed operation, until…
One day, I randomly receive a message. Nice and simple; “hey, what’s up!”. I looked at the profile photo and she was dressed it scrubs, looking like she was prepped and ready to perform surgery?! With the biggest smile and the greenest eyes! I swear to fucking bible, I immediately knew or more like felt? I don’t know the right word to explain, BUT I just knew, there was something about her & I wanted to get to know her.
We messaged on and off day to day… I bet she won’t even remember ha ha! conversations were kept casual. I felt comfortable enough to tell her I was in a wheelchair, like I wasn’t even nervous! It was actually, the first thing I put out there before it carried on.
– “Oh hey, I’m just gona tell you now, I’m in a wheelchair, I’m not super-model material & I’m in need of FRIENDS!!!”
- “and? You’re in a chair!? No big deal!! I love medical things!!”
With that out of the way, we continued talking on the regular… AND THEN, she asked for a photo of me -_- , MAAATTEEEE!!! I thought fuck it!! Just send it! And…. That’s what I did.
It was weird though, because I wasn’t shitting myself, I wasn’t even nervous about sending it! Ya’ see, I’m not a photo person and I over analyse ANY that I’m in – that my friends, is self-hate with confidence & insecurities issues! BUT with her, I had NONE of those! OH! & I made sure to tell her I’m the one with the piercings + scarf.
- Her reply to the photo; “you’re awesome”
…*cricket, cricket*, now how does one react to that reply? Like, “you’re awesome”??!!? do I say “oh geez, thanks asshole!”, was it, “you’re awesome” because she didn’t want to be mean and say “umm okay, thanks”, was it her just being nice?! Wtf was it!? …I said Thank you, none the less! But still left with questions! I guess that’s the over – analysing I was talking about!
Time went on and we were learning so many things about each other.
Well… the more we talked, the more I started to secretly end up crushing on her. and then I committed the ultimate NO, NO!!! … I confessed my crush on her, TO HER. of course she let me down in the nicest way possible! & of course, I took that as rejection, felt stupid as fuck and then ran! I distanced myself from our constant talks & txting. I was SO embarrassed ha ha!
Started DRINKING! Yes, ME! WTF!!!! I was confused, shamed, questioning myself, depressed – I was a cocktail mixture of all kinds of fucked up-ness.
I was questioning my sexuality. Was I gay? What was wrong with me? Do I not like boys? Wtf was going on with me!!? My only logic answer and escape route at the time was – DRINK GIRRRRLLL!! This shit went on for weeks. I felt so lost and surprise, surprise, ALONE all over again. Ridiculous, I know! We never had a “together” thing. But I mean, alone as in, I couldn’t tell or confide in anyone because I was SO scared of being laughed at or judged or even teased!
I dealt with it all internally. OH! But I did confide in one of my Caregivers as I knew she wouldn’t tell a soul or judge or tease! So, that was nice, knowing I had at least one person.
…Somehow, her & I are back to talking and texting again! This time, we’re going to meet up. MATE! Talk about, stand me up ha ha! I had put my wall back up though, that, that didn’t bother me, HA! I was back being in control of my irrational-self lol.
AFTER A LOT of fucking around – we FINALLY met in person! Of course we were both drunk and there was a garage party happening at mine. Oh, she slotted right on, in!
She was a sneaky little asshole! Sitting in the shed with everyone and she’s rubbing my arm, putting her hand up my sleeve and then…. AND THEN!!! Shows me a photo on her phone – at first I’m looking and I’m like HUH?! WHAT’S THIS!? Well fuck! I can’t react because we’re in a circle with the party people… Thanks babe for showing me your vagina with the green toy! Reaaaaal smooth move!
Mingled for a decent amount of time and then had to go home (she lived at the rich end of the suburb we were both in!).
- That night was our first kiss.
- That night she told me there was something about me.
- That night she showed me her pirate undies that she was SO proud of & had to show me!
- That night she kissed my ex flatmate right in front of me… ha ha she’s gona kill me for sharing that! Not sorry babe :)
- That night my feelings learnt new shit.
BUT. She was in such a fucked up place, I left my wall up. There was no fucking way I was gona let her get to me again!
& amongst all the shit going down with her & I, my ex flatmate started treating me differently. You could pretty much say; he was jealous asf! and did everything he could to bring me down…BITCH! I’m a SIDNEY! You can’t bring me down! Well I say that now ha ha he actually succeeded for a little while, that’s for another blog, not this one!
We went through a lot of trials, I’ll tell you that much! We were definitely tested! It wasn’t all bad, but it wasn’t a stroll in the park either. I met a few people in her world throughout it all – her Mum, sister, Best friend… & I let her meet a couple of mine – bestie, sister, cousin.
We grew closer & closer. I wont lie, I had trust issues since shit got so twisted at one point. So when I received a text from her one day, randomly saying;
- “I love you Kylie”
Of course I’m going to react in a very cautious way, or just, genuinely in disbelief haha! was she expecting rainbows & heart bubbles in return?
My reply; - “um. Are you drunk???”
Hahaha! Ooppssss!! Well, I did warn you all about no filters, that was one of those times. And for some reason, I don’t think she was impressed with my response?!
She didn’t give up, that was just the beginning. Almost every day she’d be asking me to be her Girlfriend. And every day I’d tell her NO. She’d bring me cute teddies or sometimes, even hand picked flowers from the neighbours ha ha! SO cute! But it was still a NO. That wall was UP and it showed no sign of coming down anytime soon, Ha!
One night – a group of us hung out up at hers for a while, before my cousin & I went to town, to go clubbing.
That night she asked me out again.
That night she got lucky & I considered it.
That night we hung out with Jaime & smoked a J, looking out at Hamilton’s impressive night time view.
That night her & her best mate decided they’d hide behind the couch to scare us, because they’re five…safe to say that mission failed because we took too long to come inside ha ha ha!
That night, she gave me a HUGE, beautiful bouquet of flowers and told me she loves me and for me to say yes and be with her. OH! & just so yous’ know, I still have the bouquet!!!
That night, I said YES! It was a beautiful moment.
Four years going on five years, 3 cats, 2 dogs & an engagement later, I’d like to introduce you all to the one I refer to as Wifey throughout my posts. The one with the big titties emoji covering her face on my about me page. The one I’ve been reluctant to share with the interweb, because I’m greedy, ha!
“Mum! Before Hope comes home and blabbs, I may as well tell you now… Kate & I are together, as in TOGETHER!!”
Mums reply; -
“does that mean I can tell everyone that you’re a big Gaybo?”
HA HA HA!!! NO mother! It doesn’t give you fucking permission to do that!
SO, this is how I came out to family & friends…
I did it on FaceBook. I’m a believer in; “if I’m going to do something, go BIG & go BIG!!!”, what better way to “come out” than on one of the worlds BIGGEST social media sites. Good ole’ FaceBook!
Fuck! my graphics skills were yuck back then! Ha ha. I mean, I’m not a pro BUT I have improved since then that’s for sure.
She is the BEST thing life has given me. Loving, compassionate, understanding, OMG hilarious!!, hot-headed, potty mouthed little asshole! & I absolutely love the slut to bits!
Now. I'm no longer lonely or alone.
Now. I'm happy & inlove AND loved back!
Now. I do believe I deserve to be with someone.
I could go on and on but this is already FIVE pages long ha ha! that, no one will read, lets just be honest now. I just wanted to introduce “her”, tell a bit of our story, so now there’s finally a face AND name to the one refered to as Wifey ha ha!
& so, here’s some of our moments (there's lots but my laptop is being a cunt!)
People still label us as lesbians to this very day. FUCK! Do we label you as ignorant assholes? NO! we don't, but we should, because you are by putting labels on us!
Our relationship is rich with love & passion. We fit perfectly together! We fell inlove with each other as the "people" not the gender. not the looks. not the sexuality! But everything as a whole!
Stay happy, Keep smiling! XX