Isn’t it funny how, even after years and years a song can bring to life, those memories you had locked in a box, and you had purposely lost the key, buried the box in a hole deeper than 6ft. down, then filled it with cement!! Because, that, my intrigued little readers are how much these memories from the past were never welcomed into the future.
Hi Blog, welcome to one of my most Open posts I think I’m about to blog, where I, after 10+ years let the Catfish out of the bag and spill the dirt. This shit is super, and I mean SUPER personal to me as I have never had the balls to ever do this. Not this public that’s for sure! I’m actually anxious about sharing this blog post, but I mean, I didn’t create my website or blog to sugar coat shit! I think after pretending for all those years, I owe it to myself to do this, but more importantly to those I fucked over during those times.
I’ve done a lot of really DUMB shit! But this has got to be the dumbest. Reading further ahead, it’ll probably seem like I’m just making excuses but I’m not. I’m here! Trying to share from, my perspective. No one has to understand or even try to do so. You might wana’ go into this open-minded though. js!
Now, for me, I was so young when I had my accident, that once I got back home from rehab, I thought life would be a walk in the park. I thought I would cope. Thought I’d be okay. In actual fact I wasn’t okay. I hated having no hand or finger functions, truth was I hated not being able to do my own hair (trust me! It becomes a HUGE deal, if you’re a young girl and can’t have it the way you want it), or dress like a girly-girl. I was also hitting that stage in a teens life where; boys are important, insecurities jumped on-board, I felt like I didn’t fit in anywhere anymore (even though I’m so lucky to have a huge loving, supportive family & friends), I still felt lonely and alone.
I definitely had confidence issues. Thought that people were constantly staring at me, whispering shit about me, because of my disability. Because of the wheelchair. Because of my hands, because of ME. I would struggle inside my own mind day in, day out with these asshole thoughts. It was SO bad. I never told anyone about these thoughts. In my head, that would make me weak. I was embarrassed to be “The girl in the wheelchair”. WOW! I actually said it! Well, typed it! Apparently, from the grapevine I heard; - majority if not all spinal injured people go through a stint of denial… and although I never showed mine, EVER! I think it was definitely there, I just dealt with it in a different way…
Get to the good shit ya reckon? Ha! I had to rewind right back, so no one misses anything, you see! Otherwise nothing makes sense.