For a long time I’ve contemplated telling my story on here. I know I’ve lightly touched on it in other posts, but it's always been in a round-about way. I tried telling it in a different section of the site but that ended in the recycle bin - too much babbles & bullshit.
SOOOO. I’ve decided to do a little mini series to get my story out. I’m doing it in parts because it's a LONG LONGGGG journey! Don't wana bore the fuck out've you!!
Without further ado; ...
What if the last thing you heard before you were about to do something was, the laughing and playing that came from you and the local kids?
And then, what if the sound that follows, changes EVERYTHING for the rest of your life…
I was 12yrs old when I took my last steps, had use of my fingers, could 100% feel every inch of my body AND took my last shit and piss without help or exposure – RAW FACTS.
TOLAGA BAY, NEW ZEALAND. 1999, MARCH 1ST – it was a typical day for 12yr old Kylie. School – friends – home – chores – roam ; the weather was hot! Perfect day to go for a swim down at our local spot -; the bridge! And by swim I mean jump off the bridge into the water. Still technically swimming ha.
Photo credit: I do not own rights to this photo! (Google search)
Mum told me I couldn't go. I was definitely NOT allowed to go for a jump. But, yes, I was an asshole. I stomped my feet. Insisted I was going anyway. Disregarded her words. Even her threats of telling Dad Haha! Fuck, 12yr old Kylie was a sassy little bitchhead.
I walked out that day and defied everything mum had said. “Shut up! I’m going” -; I slammed the door and I left.
For the last, almost 20yrs, I have replayed that moment over & over & fucking over again. So many “if only’s” , but ! whatever.
Once I was out the door, I RAN! And I didn’t stop until I got well and truly up the road. On my way;- I stopped at an “aunty’s” house (yaknow, one of those people that everyone calls aunty? We all know one), some older girls were there, getting ready to go to the bridge as well. They were having a smoke first though ---I’m pretty sure I had a puff ha ha & I’m pretty sure I wana slap 12yr old Kylie for being such a little cunt. Don’t smoke kids!
We all made our way to the bridge. We were still on the road and we could already hear lots of laughs and voices coming from that direction.
I couldn’t wait to get there! It was hot. And I was so keen for a jump!!
I sometimes wonder what I was wearing that day, because, for the life of me! I can’t remember. However, I do remember -; I had a cute little black tote bag on my back. it was filled with marbles, they were the “in – thing” at the time.
It’s been 19yrs BUT, anyone know where that went? Ha ha because I’ve always wondered that too!?
Don’t know why, but those two things have always fucked with me ha ha!
WE MADE IT!
I played a few games of marbles first. Took my time making my way up and onto the bridge itself. I think the guilt of defying mum was getting to me.
Not sure when I made the choice to do this next thing but…
I decided I’d go under the bridge and follow the little pathway through, which took me to the other side of the bridge that nobody really jumped off. I wasn’t on that side for the bridge anyway! I walked that way because it also took me along the river bank, (located at the bottom of our towns local motel) and over to the jetty; which is where my cousin and his friends were.
It looked fun.
I remember, I walked on that jetty. I walked right to the edge of it and I just stood there. I looked out and around at my surroundings. Analysing all of the beauty.
I was quickly reminded that, I was also surrounded by cheeky boys too! Who, happened to be playing tag at the time.
I had walked back to the river bank, just chilling.
I can’t remember 100% but I feel like a boy named Hone ran passed me, hit me and said “ha ha TAG”…omg! Typing that fucks me off haha I hate being tagged!!
because, guess what my reaction was? SLOW! AND I MISSED when I tried returning the tag haha fuck sakes! So, I did the next best thing – I saw him and a couple others run and bomb off the end of the jetty. I thought, RIGHT! If they can do it, I can too! (plus I wanted to get him back!)
and this, girls & boys, is when everything was about to change forever…
I ran to the end of the jetty…
I didn’t do a bomb… like the boys did…
I decided to dive…
With this decision came HUGE consequences.
I hit the water…and I hear a sound that'll never leave my mind. It was like a cracking noise. I’m not sure if I momentarily passed out after that!? But there has always been that blank part for me?!
My mind wakes up. It’s cold under here though. Well, at least the top of my back & head that’s exposed to air and sun feels warm.
But, I can’t breathe… and once I actually come too, my eyes open and I realise -; I ACTUALLY CAN’T BREATHE!!! I’m yelling, SCREAMING underwater but no one can hear me. The more I open my mouth, the faster it fills with salty water.
OMG! I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO DIE.
I feel my head being dunked under more. UMM HELLO CUNTS I AM CURRENTLY DROWNING!
And then I feel things hitting my body ---kids thought I was playing & pretending to float on top of the surface…FOR THAT LONG GUYS!!?? I’M NOT A FISH ha ha!
I don’t know how long I tried for.
I told myself --; “Okay. Calm down Kylie…Close your eyes and go to sleep…”
I took my last gasp of salty water and then I closed my eyes, calmed myself enough to drift away.
Everything was silent. And dark. And cold.
All of a sudden, I see bright golden lights, and my body fills with warmth. And to this very day -; I believe I saw the gates or opening, to the next place. In the vision I remember from that moment, I made it right in front of those big things.
I woke up on the river bank...HOW did I even get there??! I remember crying. All I wanted was MY MUM.
I looked up, AND HELLO MISS POPULAR! Ha ha. sorry. my humour.
I was surrounded though, by A LOT of people. And you know what?? I remember the huge crowd of people in a horseshoe formation, I see people but not faces. Well, all but ONE.
Raewyn P. I see your face, and yours only?! Fuck knows why LOL. I guess I’m a creep?! I remember smiling at you? again, creep! Wtf ha ha
But, I’m still crying.
Mum arrives. I’m crying & crying.
I’m telling them I feel numb. I’m questioning -; WHY CAN’T I FEEL MY LEGS??!!
A helicopter lands.
A tall, skinny, white man walks over by me. he’s dressed in all blue. I must be drifting in and out of consciousness because, I don’t remember being put on the stretcher and carried into the helicopter. But, I do remember that – my last image I saw was the water and Titirangi mountain...
Next thing I knew; I was being rushed through A&E doors at Gisborne Hospital...
(See you next Monday for PART 2)