I was 12 going 21 at the time. Thought I knew everything. I was doing alright at school, loved being outdoors all the time and roaming the big bad streets of our tiny little town haha! I loved country life but always thought the city was something amazing and that I was missing out..what an idiot lol you and I would always butt heads aye, both control freaks, that’s why; - I reckon anyway.
To be honest, I wonder if that “bond” was ever there in the “way” it’s meant to be?! The one that happens at birth, yaknow? (all you mums out there know what I mean). YES, we’ve been through a fuck load of shit together, which naturally molded “our” connection, apart from the obvious lol but I wouldn’t necessarily call it “that” bond. Maybe that could be another reason why we clash at times.
BEST EVER though! I’m glad I got you. I’m fucking stoked we chose each other. Wouldn’t exchange or cash you in for anything haha! YOU DA BOMBBB <<-- personal joke ha ha! Even though we fuck each other off from here to beyond words, I would NEVER want anyone else to be it for me!
That day though…
You know I don’t blame you for that day aye. It wasn’t your fault at all!! It was all ME. I thought I could do what I wanted. You told me NO. I can still hear you saying it, even right now!!! It is so fucking clear and LOUD. Not even your empty threats stopped me. God, I was a cunt! “SHUT UP, I’m going, BYE!”; ..slams the door and runs down the road. An actual fucking cunt I was that day!!! & as I write this, I’m actually getting pissed off at ME. Lol.
An hour or two later… wait! Was it?? You’ll need to correct me If I’m wrong!
ANYWAY – you got a knock at the door. Not ya’ typical visitor aye. Received the news, and it wasn’t your typical 6pm TV1 news you were use too! This one was too close to home. Infact, it was home…
Don’t stress though, cos’ it wasn’t cold down there. Lucky it was a nice afternoon that day, sun shinning bright, Ooohhh yess! That probably kept it warm. I wasn’t scared either. I closed my eyes though, because no one could hear me yelling out from under there. . .
Did you know YOU were the first and only one I asked for once I came back that day after seeing God. YES! I saw him when I thought it was my time. I even saw the Gates and the pretty light. But he didn’t let me in. Instead he sent me back. AND that’s when I asked for YOU! I don’t share that part of my experience with most people though, it’s a special moment for me, but it’s a moment that not many would believe.
Just PLEASE know and believe it wasn’t YOUR fault. It’s time to turn off the replay button. How is the record not fucking broken yet?! You need to give yourself a break! It’s been 17, almost 18yrs now. I know I should’ve listened to you that day but I didn’t and MY actions / MY choices got us all into this LIFE-SENTENCE. All because I DIDN’T LISTEN TO YOU.
You know what else ??!! ..this is important! How selfish am I??!!! not once have I said SORRY. Again, what a cunt!!
This letter is for you. I am so sorry I didn’t listen to you that day. To think, our lives would be so fucking different today if I had’ve just LISTENED TO YOU!!! Not sure if, it being different would be a good or bad thing. I’m sorry though Mum, for stripping yours and Dads lives of “normality” for such young parents. For all of the stress, depress, regrets, tears, anger, fears!! For stripping time for my sisters, away from them. I will be forever sorry. I will always be thankful for having you as my Mum. YOU are our rock! Without you, worlds would fall apart. And even though you fuck me right off, I love you and I’m sorry for not apologizing YEARS ago!!!