Get in the booth & confess, bitch
Today is a week after my 32nd birthday, and I’m still here, trying to figure out this game of life. But, through all my zoning in and out of thoughts, overthinking shit and countless amounts of conjuring’s – I have definitely been realizing that; I've changed incredibly; half-a-year in bed would do that to a person though.
And, as of last Sunday, I said goodbye to another year, younger. BUT, before fully saying fucken cyaaa! one final tribute needs to be done...
& with the internet as my witness ---these are:
1.Trying to show the middle finger to my old ways & craves.
because, my face is fat due to them and 31 showed me no mercy. My lack of self-discipline didn’t help either. IT’S OKAY THOUGH – I exercised for 30mins the night before 32… so, I should be good 😉
Like literally, doesn’t exist anymore because 32 now 😊
3. MININALIZATION is NOT my thing!
But. it's time girrrllll!!
4. Glassons = 16yr – 24yr old Kylie.
Thirty one was a no-go, what made me think turning 32 would change that?
5. Friends… sensitive subject for me, however it needs addressing.
Hmm. I’m learning that sometimes, letting go is the only option. actually. that’s all I’m gona say.
6. SAVING. haha! I'm the fucking worst.
You see, the only way this is possible is if I say goodbye to shopping.
The next few years are kinda’ important, so shopping, it’s been real but – bye bitch! ...but, I make no promises, okay?!
7. Bedrest was no hidden secret either...
but my depressive state was. I only let you see what I wanted. No one knew.
8. “You’re not a mum / you don’t have kids, so you don’t know”
– I fucking hate those lines! Don’t say them to me, like, ever. i've heard that shit 1 too many times.
9. Max Key.
HAHA hearted a photo of my boy, on IG. - highlight moment??
uh. just incase you missed it ; i was joking about the highlight moment bit!
I'm always torn between loving them & needing to punch their faces, because... cunts.
This is why I will always choose fur babies above most!
12. YouTube –
Could say I got a little consumed..
13. Oh, and during 31, I also got to see who was actually there for me and who wasn’t.
Unfortunately, the “who wasn’t” stood out the most.
14. I discovered Shane Dawson before 32 ,
and it’s been total obsessiveness since 😉, 31 did me well discovering him 🖤
15. I was humbled.
by many things.
16. The number 31 itself ,
irritated me the whole time – uneven 🤬
They've become my new black.
I allowed my relationship with MaryJane to not feel like a dirty little secret. I exposed our relationship in a blog post (click here)
19. I can finally see!
After years, I finally took the eye test- FAILED and ended up with glasses 🤓best ever!!
20. Mirror, Mirror.
I’m still struggling daily with my self worth/love. I still wish I could love me, whole heartedly 💔
31 showed forgiveness. It took him 3yrs possibly 4 but, it was a positive result in the end.
22. Heart break💔
23. MAVERICK 🦋
He came at the right time.
24. My very first metalhead wedding.
I won’t lie. The build up to this day was a fucking cunt and anxiety tried to ruin it for me by convincing me not to go... don't worry, I beat it! I didn't let it win, ha! Duck you anxiety!!🖕
I haven't been home in almost 3yrs & I'm not even mad about it.
it's slowly fucking taking bits & pieces of my heart and I'm not okay with it. For whatever fucking reason, please know you can always message me if you ever need someone. Plesse know, YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE!!!
Woohoo! 31 got to see in the new Prime Minister of New Zealand 😁😁😁 and I couldn't be more happy!!!
28. Stranger Things ...
Um. It's true. I’ve never seen it.
The only Male I’ll ever be inlove with!
Still my favourite ever.
31. STILL ,
The only one I can trust & depend on 100%
AND! at that time, she was what I loved & wanted for my little thought up nugget & alter-ego.[appearance, concept, personality, overall image etc] BUT, that's sooo' 2016!! If ya didn't know, it's 2018 now, time for changes bitches!
TBH – I stopped liking her & thought she was, well, a bit “outdated” ha ha!
Belladonna’s original (2016) "persona" – sassy, sexual, doesn’t give a shit about what other people think or say about her (sometimes), she rocks a “I don’t give a fuck” attitude, she’s weird with more than enough curiosity”
A LOT has changed though. everything actually.
Without further ado...
I’d like to introduce my *new* BELLADONNA (my version)
Designed by @artbytuss /James Nicholls
I've been working with Artist/Graphic Designer James Nicholls for about a month, going back & forth with ideas & changes - we were pretty much the Botch Doctors (yaknow, fixing up the fucked up shit lol) ! Poor James had to deal with my indecisiveness & potty mouth typing, throughout. WE SLAYED!!
I found Batman (James) through one of my FAV. Youtubers - Kris Fox. He had work done by James. I fell inlove!! So, I did what any bitch would do; I stalked his Instagram (his work is amazing) and sent him a DM. The rest is behind the scenes shit.
The 411 OF BELLADONNA yo!
Everything has a purpose. & Everything changes.
Est. 2018, March 1st. - The completed new version of Belladonna was finalized two days before March 1st, but I chose the date as it is the anniversary of my accident.
Character - Still a badbitch. Potty-mouth. Loves herself. Open-minded. Silent. Weird. Confident. Opinionated. Rocks a *no fucks given* attitude. Tattoo lover. Fur baby obsessed. Activist. Innocent but deadly. Lover. Loyal. Indecisiveness runs through her veins.
BEHIND THE IMAGE:
With research, you’d know "the name Belladonna means 'beautiful lady' as well as the name of a poisonous flower also known as deadly nightshade, which gives an otherwise flowery name a darker, more exotic side.”
So, my version of Belladonna means –
More than just a girl in a chair.
More than just disability.
More than just exposure.
More than just a semi-naked girl.
Don’t judge without knowing the story.
Love. Obsession. Addiction.
Life through another persons’ eyes.
NO FUCKS GIVEN.
Don’t mistake kindness/loyalty for weakness.
No limits, no boundaries.
EXTRA SHIT YOU MIGHT WANA KNOW -
Eye - we used my actual eye for this. I want you to see my version of life.
Little red book – Book form of the “blog”
Middle finger – Fuck the bullshit! Fuck the rules! Fuck the ignorance! Fuck the shit that tries to ruin your soul!
Leg - my actual Ta Moko (represents my Maori culture & family).
Right arm - yaknow, she’s the front page of the site so it’s only fitting that she has the name of it tatted on her.
Chest - no way possible to see it, but my chest tatt is on her as well --it’s there! It really is!
Left arm - my Jack & Sally cunt tattoo & “Inked Doll"
Under boob - “KATE" – this isn’t an actual tat on my body but she’s my love! No explanations needed.
Headpiece – The headpiece of a Nun. Wasn’t chosen out of disrespect. I chose it as my representation of being pure.
Babies – our two little protectors! Jirugi & Maverick #whenspeciesdoesntcount
- she's bits & pieces of me. mixed with opposite shit of myself. she's my alter-ego! She’s my Belladonna & together, we're blogging life off the edge!
I’m sitting here.
& as I write this, I may or may not be watching the re-run of, Married at first sight as well... it’s juicy, cringey shit and, yes! I’m hooked — shhh!! We’re not here to obsessively talk about this!
1319, what is it?
It’s a second chance.
It’s LIFE. & not just for one, but multiple.
It comes once a year. Unavoidable. I usually don’t remember it’s the day. Not on purpose, it just happens.
BUT – it’s the 1st of the 3rd month & today is that day, 19 years AND I remembered bitches! (Only cos’ I kept reminding myself for like a week haha)
It’s 19 years today, I told my Mum to – “shut up!”, “I’m going to the bridge!!”.
It’s 19 years today, I was 12, a month from turning 13.
It’s 19 years today, I wasn’t allowed to jump off the bridge, so I dove off the jetty instead. What a little fucker.
It’s 19 years today, I broke my neck on impact.
It’s 19 years today, two older kids saved my life, something I’ll forever be grateful for – Caroline & James ❤❤
It’s 19 years today, I took my last everything’s – walked, used my fingers/hands, bodily functions, ran, swam freely, independence etc.
It’s 19 years today, I’ve been in a chair longer than I’ve walked.
It’s 19 years today, I fucked up the “pathway" of what could have been for my life & those around me. I’m a all or nothing girl, so uhh, yaknow!
It’s 19 years today, mine and my families lives changed forever.
It’s 19 years today, & my sister’s have no recollection of me ever walking, they were so young when it all happened.
It’s 19 years today, it’s definitely been filled with every emotion possible.
Dear 12 year old Kylie,
As fucked as this may sound – having your accident was a blessing in disguise in some ways. Yes, you had to endure a shitload during 19 years, but it’s been worth it. & you didn’t go through it alone.
Because of the situation and during these years, so many things happened, some good and some bad..
People changed for the better.
You learned how to mask & pretend denial away.
Grief showed it’s face during the 19 years & it wasn’t pretty.
You experienced healing hands of a true angel, something you’ll carry with you forever.
School life was a love-hate relationship. In the end, you hated it & left for the wrong reasons. High School drop out over here 👍
You studied, well tried too.
I'm not gona lie – You were lonely, a fuckload. You didn’t show it.
Jokes at your expense, You’d laugh just so you could cope.
Tattoos, piercings, crazy hair & make up became your ways of expression & feeling.
You definitely cared what others thought of you – now, ZEROFUCKSGIVEN!!
Self-confidence has definitely played a huge role during the 19 years.
You found your forever best friend during the 19 years.
You dabbled in the CatFish scene – it’s okay though, you eventually stop being selfishly vindictive.
After being so anti about it, you started smoking weed during the 19 years.
Turns out, it’s better to keep the circle of friends small & close! Quality over quantity any day! You don’t learn this til’ your thirties.
You absolutely wasted a lot of days doing nothing, letting fear rule you, letting guilt of disappointing others rule you.
Safe to say you’ve mindfucked yourself a million times over.
Generous to a fault – you get it from Dad!
Creativity never left.
You had to realise that, dignity doesn’t exist in your line of life – your bodily everything’s have been exposed in more ways than one.
Resentments amongst you & Mum were there, 100%! It’s expected! There’s no need for guilt or worry.
Moving out & away was a dream come true and was sooo good, for many reasons.
You prepped yourself for a life of being alone (relationships wise).
You are the biggest procrastinator EVER.
Well, guess what?! Those are the chapters from what happened 19 years ago. Some made it into your future, some didn’t.
Through it all, you made it out! I mean, hellooo! I’m here, I’m proof. I’m YOU!
It’s 19 years later, today.
It doesn’t need to be sad.
It doesn’t need celebrations.
It doesn’t even need acknowledgement.
It needs to be known that,
19 years later –
I’m happy (unless I’m in a cunt mood)
I’m okay health wise.
I’m still struggling with my self-confidence/body image.
I’m still going to the gym, yesterday.
I’ve been living in Hamilton since 2012 – best choice ever! This meant, my sisters could finally have Mum, cos it’s always been about me. Grand-babies also got to have a nan, without it being about me. Mum & I needed to be separated before we hated each other. & the both of us could finally live separate lives.
I’m inlove & happy with my love & our fur babies.
I’m trying not to be naïve.
I'm an aunty to, two beautiful little girls xx
I still don’t know what I wana be when I grow up.
I’m still a tetraplegic.
& I still can’t walk ha ha!
I have goals.
I still procrastinate.
I’m still human.
I was actually more brave when I was 12.
Life is beautiful & a privilege, I’ve definitely learnt to appreciate it. I may not be able to walk or do “normal” shit, but it could be worse. & it’s not.
And. Just don’t underestimate ANYONE who has a different way of living life. Don’t be a cunt.
19 years ain’t got shit on me! Bring on another 20 and many more!