Doesn’t LIFE feel like a fucking roller-coaster ride?! I sure as hell feel like I live on one 24 / 7 on a day-to-day basis. Sometimes it’s fun filled, exciting and adventurous, and you just want it to be like that all the time – like, when it’s your first time on the roller-coaster and you don’t want to get off or you don’t want it to end! …Then, there’s those moments of feeling shitty or sick from the up and down notions of the ride and you can’t wait to get the fuck off it! – much like, when life is being a cunt and making you feel like curling up into a ball because of the up and down notions.
But, with life, you can’t just get off the ride and never get back on it like you can on an actual roller-coaster. One just has to take the good with the bad, I guess it’s all a part of the “balance”, although “balance” has never been a strong point in my world… I’m an “all or nothing” type of girl, BUT! I am trying to find my “balance”… no…really… I am!!
Lately though, I’ve found myself in a pickle. It’s that time of year for me where, my rollercoaster veers off into nomads’ land and I’m stuck… in a rut. An annoying, UGLY, self-loathing rut! It doesn’t have a set date/time for its’ time visiting (even though, the prick was never invited to begin with). During its’ visit, it is unknown as to how much damage it will cause. It also makes sure to dig deeper & deeper into the shit pile if I even TRY to escape. And there I am… sitting in nomads’ land on my coaster, just waiting… waiting and hoping the shit storm will fuck right off.
Admittedly, I’ve let it linger and take over for weeks on end, BUT, FUCK THAT!!! This time! Ohhh boy! Look the fuck out! I decided I’m NOT going to let it have the power anymore. I’M the BOSS of me! …Yuuuup, it sounds fucking great in my head and at the time BUT where the eff. do I start??! You know the saying; “easier said than done” – that is TRUTH right there! I can/will/do/try-to talk to and tell myself lots of positive things, they help… but, I needed MORE or CHANGES… just, something?!
I knew telling myself positive things or just thinking positive thoughts in general, constantly was still, not enough. I have spent hours on end on the internet searching for ways to “help – me”, to help myself. I have tried listening to podcasts about happiness, strength, confidence, change, positivity, getting rid of negative shit etc. (I do enjoy those podcasts though!). But, it still wasn’t enough!
I am truly MY OWN WORST ENEMY!!! I shit you not!
Now, anyone who knows me, knows I’m a “list – writer”. I am obsessed with writing lists, to-do lists, any kind of list! Helps get my faculties’ all in place.
I started to type down the following: (keep in mind, this is MY way of coping and figuring shit out)
FUCK! That is a bigggg list! Did you even read it all? Still awake after ALL of that?! Haha!?!
AND, once I did that (even though it’s not finished), I started to already, feel progress and a feeling of…dare I say the word…HAPPY lol!
For me though, that was step ONE. And I’m so fucking excited to get shit started. It helps me to see a “plan” and gives me a sense of organisation, it’s MY starting point. & my rollercoaster slowly begins to navigate out of Nomads land, YAYY!
Step TWO, will start for me on Thursday (September 1st) with the “September challenge” (I’ll blog about this, promise xx) but lets just say it is the new beginning to a “healthier ME”. <<--- watch this space!
All in all, I am ready to start learning to like/love/appreciate/look-after/protect ME, MYSELF & I. it’s not going to be a smooth coaster ride, but I AM READY TO OWN ME AGAIN.